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When I got out of the shower tonight I stood in front of the mirror for a good five to ten minutes just looking at myself. I was scared by what was staring back at me in the mirror.

Time to do anything but work, blog, eat and sleep these days is limited. I don't put on make up, I don't really do my hair, I never really stand in the mirror naked or half dressed. So I haven't noticed that being skinny has now become looking scary skinny. No one else has noticed either. I guess my t-shirts and baggy clothing is covering up the reality; that I have become Nicole Riche very scary skinny.

The first clue was that my bathing suit, a juniors small was kind of baggy when I put it on last weekend at a pool party. I of course covered up in gym shorts and a t-shirt so no one noticed, but I thought it was kind of odd. Clue number two was that I rubbed my back earlier today (I have my period, so I am having lots of back pain) and I didn't feel the normal layer of fat under the skin. Just my hip bone.

This morning I awoke to a Newspaper story that really made me want to cry with relief, as it is something that really is ahuge deal for New Zealand, and we are in desperate need of. The Law Commission of New Zealand have finally recognised that rape trials in this country are so extremly unfair and taxing on survivors that many women dont bother reporting, or following through with reports, I am one of them. The law commission has stated that how rape trials are carried out in this country are "brutalising and distressing victims, and the system must be overhauled".

I have been to counselling on and off for a while now, to more than one counsellor, all of whom have explained to me that if I was to go to trial, the process is often not worth it and moving on is the best step. So often the male sex offenders are found not guilty, especially in my case when it is a wealthy man, and the survivor comes out worse off than before. This has been a decision that has haunted me since the day I chose to make it, and to se it written on the front page that many of the senior lawyers in our country wouldnt advise women who have been raped to go to trial because of the harsh process they would have to endure and the outcome is likely to be against them, almost made me weep.

"Your feet may leave home, but your heart never will." That was the theme of this year's graduation at my high school-- the graduation I was supposed to be taking part in but wasn't allowed because one of my parents refused to allow me to graduate early.

But not being allowed to graduate doesn't stop me from going to the commencement ceremony and seeing all of my friends, some old and some new, enter a new phase in their lives, some of them leaving forever.

My friends Steph and Brandon, as well as my infamous ex TJ, are all leaving for the military extremely soon. TJ leaves in September, Steph with him, for the Air Force training base in Texas. Brandon gets shipped out in less than a month for Marine Corps basic training. He enlisted as active, so as soon as he's done, they're shipping him out to parts unknown, ready to be used as a pawn and most likely die for a tumultuous and hypocritical cause.

I saw the documentary Jesus Camp on A&E last night. This part really got to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mefXbLXlRpw

Later in the film the children stand in front of the capital with the word "Life" taped over their mouths.

I'm not against children being in political rallies or being involved in political action. If my daughter asked me at young age what abortion was I would explain it to her. This kind of propaganda is dangerous. The way in which the woman says "don't be a promise breaker" is scary. Such a small sentence, but it could have a huge impact for the girls that are in that room and then young boys that are "warriors for Jesus".

A couple of weeks ago, a young woman was sexually assaulted and killed while walking home from a bar at four in the morning. This happened in Milan, only a few feet away from my old high school. She was chatted up by a man she'd seen collecting bottles at the bar she'd been to, and she assumed that he worked there and was thus 'safe'. He wasn't.

That was the second such attack within a short period of time, and sparked renewed discussion on women's safety. One of those discussions took place in the 'opinion' section of Milan's Metro newspaper, where a female reader shared her experience of sexual abuse and whose letter had been entitled "Men are Monsters" (and while I can't swear to this, I am fairly certain it's the paper who titles the letters, not the readers). This prompted several replies by enraged men who felt misjudged and misunderstood. One particularly appalling letter was from a man who felt that women use the word 'abuse' to easily and that, at least within marriage, it is a woman's duty to pleasure her man. Another writer complained that women are too ungrateful and do not know how good they have it. This exchange took place over the course of a week, and every time I read the letters, I had to remind myself that this is indeed the 21st century.

In the past few months since my house burned down I have lost weight. I am not sure how much since I don't own a scale, but I bought pants in size 4, 3 and 1 for work. My size 4 pants I can take off without unbuttoning, my size 3 pants keep falling down even with my belt on and I just noticed my size 1 pants are starting to be big around the waist as well. Actually, my belt isn't small enough anymore.

I'm not proud of my weight. I'm proud of the muscles I have now that I carry around heavy things at work and chasing around my toddler at home. But the skinny look, I just didn't work for it. If anything it's probably a sign that I am not healthy. I don't always eat three meals a day and I should probably be eating closer to 6 since I am still nursing my daughter. It doesn't help that the food where I work sucks and some days my dinner is an orange and a yogurt. At least some science leans towards calorie reduction as the way to live past a 100, so maybe I will live longer?

The latest incident in Florida, where a group of teenage girls attacked and beat a fellow class,ate and video taped it to put it on Myspace saddened me greatly. Girl's beating up other girl's. Just the thought of that really bothers me. Women physically overpowering another woman, and often, as I found out from a number of teenage girls (and boys) who work with me the fight is about a guy who both girls are interested in or something along those lines.

I never experienced girl's at my high school actually physically fighting with each other, although sadly we had a whole lot of verbal bashing and rumors going on, which really is no better.

Wow it has been a while since my last post, and as much as I missed this place, it was somewhat on purpose. Coming to a new country where although we speak the same language and life is very much the same in New Zealand, life up here is something different for me, not all bad, not all good either, but I have managed to work my way into a very comfortable spot where I am, in this small town, and now suddenly Im leaving in just over a month.

A lot has happened so far in 2008 for me, and I am hoping that going home I will be able to keep the strength that I have worked hard to build up while I have been away from home. It will be a short visit home, then I am off to do some more exploring of the planet, but I much needed one. I feel like I am going home a very different person than the person who first got onto the plane to escape to Canada, I'm returning on my terms and I have made that pretty clear with the folks at home.

I am fat. When I say this, I'm describing one particular aspect of myself. I am not criticizing or judging, nor am I inviting other people to do so or asking for assurances that I'm pretty. In my mind fat is a descriptor like any other. It is not a judgment.

I have a very active life. I skied almost every other day this winter, and had an eight hour ski patrol shift every Saturday. I walk everywhere it is practical to do so and some places it is not. My kayaking season started today and will last until it is too cold to do anything but look forward to skiing. My fat body can do all of these things as part of my routine.

While shopping for some stuff for my boyfriend, we decided that Rosalynn needs summer clothing. She really doesn't have very many t-shirts and not a single pair of shorts. So while gawking at stroller prices we found that we had walked all the way into the toddler boys section. Nik found shirts he liked right away, including one that had a picture of microphones and guitar headstocks. Then we found some shorts, not too much different from the shorts I just bought for myself and picked up three pairs of them. We moved into the toddler girls section hoping to find more of the same, maybe in some different colors. Instead we found shorts that would barely cover her diaper, shirts that had a low neck line and bikini bathing suits. Did I mention my daughter is only 16 MONTHS old?

Thomas Beatie is legally married, legally male and pregnant. His pregnancy has caught the attention of numerous media outlets, even Oprah and People magazine. Originally thought to be a hoax, his ultrasound on Oprah along with an interview with him and his wife, seems to have convinced the public that this man is pregnant.

Thomas Beatie is transgendered man. The biology behind is pregnancy is pretty simple. By stopping testosterone injections Thomas Beatie was able to get pregnant through artificial insemination. It's hard for me to believe Thomas Beatie is the first pregnant man for this reason. Some websites claim the first pregnant man was a transgendered, homosexual man about 20 years ago. Some intersex individuals who live as men can also have children, so it's very possible Thomas Beatie is not the first pregnant man.

The Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival, also known as “Wombfest” or simply “Michigan,” has been held annually in early August in a northern Michigan forest since 1976 (“General… Information”).The festival’s central goal has been to create a woman-centered atmosphere where women can celebrate being women in an area free of male presence and patriarchy (“Out and About“). Although Michigan is not the first festival to celebrate women (“A… History“) , it is the longest running, looking to celebrate its thirty-second anniversary in August 2008 (“Rebuttal… Straight”).

Sorry I haven't posted for the longest time, and I'm definitely going to make up for it. For instance, from a recent Newsweek article about pregnant surrogates:

"many conservative Christians decry the practice as tampering with the miracle of life, while far-left feminists liken gestational carriers to prostitutes who degrade themselves by renting out their bodies."

What? I have literally never heard that once in my years (admittedly few, but whatever) as a feminist. Of course, there were no sources to accompany this bold statement. On examining the statement, I found that the only source to really condemn the practice was an old edition of OBOS. And we all know that the Boston's Women Health Book Collective, while a group that I am immensely grateful for and respect deeply, certainly does not speak for all feminists.

When I am in the US or talking to Americans, I am often told how lucky I am to be living in Europe where people aren't all prudes and where sex is not a taboo topic. I always end up wondering where that myth comes from, as there are so many ways in which it is not true.

I was reminded of this again yesterday, when I stumbled across a study on contraception use among teenagers in Italy. An article on the study (found in yesterday's edition of the Milan Metro paper) stated that 30% of youths do not use any method of birth control at all and 20% use the 'withdrawal method'. Also prevalent amongst teens are urban myths about ways to prevent pregnancy, such as having sex standing up or washing out the vagina with coca cola afterwards. Too, 8 out of 100 women of all age groups do not use any birth control at all, and according to the organization of Gynecologists in Italy, the main reason women give for not using the pill is a fear of gaining weight.

Woah, When was the last time I stopped by?

Fired!

Anyway. Ended up moving in with an ex boyfriend turned roomate. Bad situation which I do not recomend. He was never even home at that. So I had the place mostly to myself.

Ladies. I cannot stress this enough. Every time someone tells you a story. (In this case about some insane violent tenancies) If during said story you think to yourself, "Man, I hope that never turns out to be me." Chances are that is your inner voice tell you to get the frick out.

So having a threat made on my life for no apparent reason by a man who's clearly off his rocker and I never really even wanted to date in the first place I got the heck out of there. I am now living with a butch lesbian who's so awesome I don't want her to move away when she might. Not having a terrible living situation is kind of new to me. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself.