Dianna

It's been a while since I've posted here. There just hasn't been much to say-my summers are filled with boredom, not inspiration for posts about feminsim. I have a lack of contact with the outside world at the moment.

I have not budged in my political stance. If anything, I've grown stronger in it.

Celebrity culture pisses me off. What pisses me off even more is people who try to treat the symptoms of sexism, not sexism itself. What really gets me going is something like this.

A girl and boy (I don't remember the names) were two different sects of Muslim. They were in a relationship, and these sects hated each other.

The girl was stripped and beaten to death. And I cannot begin to define just how ill it makes me to hear about this utter crap. That girl was a human being, a 17 year old girl with feelings for a boy of a different religion.

Believe what you will as long as your beliefs don't infringe on another human being's right to live their life their way.

When I was reading the post about this-over at absynthemuse.com, a great website for young writers-I also found this:

Unlaced: the literary ezine dedicated to celebrating the power of young women and blotting out violence against women

[Submit your artwork and stories!]

Me, my mother, and her boyfriend had a very long conversation about cutting and suicide. To give you some background, two friends of mine seriously cut before and my best friend cut a little. Mom's BF's brother committed suicide several years back. It's a topic that I have a bit of a morbid interest in.

The thing I don't get is this huge stigma. In North America, if you cut, or try to kill yourself, there's this huge condemnation thing going on. Reading through some memoirs about cutting, or suicide, I notice so many of them say 'it's such a bad thing to do, I can't believe anyone would ever go through with it' et cetera. People literally act as if suicide is some Satanic thing to do, and the same with cutting.

I'm free of Bowmore!

Just in time, too. They're making horrible changes to the school, turning science into a homeroom subject and making it so there's an art teacher for the eights and the sevens. The bonus is art all year... the minus is the eights get a horrid teacher.

I'm surprised. A lot of the other grade eights apparently cried at grad, but I wasn't even THERE to cry. I skipped the dance to go out of town and watch Pirates of the Caribean. Not something I regret.

The people I will miss are all in grade seven. I'm going to the same school as one of my friends, and in grade ten I'll be going to Rosedale-which is where ALL my Giftie friends are going. So yay.

So, let me see, where do I begin?

Let me begin with the fact that I've realized I still like my ex, I only hid it from everyone including myself to make life easier. Then let me move onto the fact that he likes my best friend, who likes my other best friend, who likes a friend I'm not close to but know pretty well.

I'm very confused by all this. Especially because ex and both best friends are off on some field trip, which accounts for me not being at school, because nobody else is. No point going, right?

The other reason is that I need a break. I literally cannot take this. Why is it that girls seem to obsess more than any guy I've ever met about love? I mean, I know that when my best friend David (there are three best friends) was in love with that girl, he obsessed, but he barely even notices love as a real feeling now. Same with my ex; to them, love just goes poof when a relationship ends.

I am fed up. I am confused. I am lost. I am unsure about so many things. I am somehow happy right now; but I know I won't be tomorrow, or Tuesday, or maybe even later tonight.

Why? Because for two weeks, my friends have gotten into a fight every day. For two weeks, I have argued with them constantly. For two weeks I have been completely confused. For these two weeks I've been facing my past while fighting with the present.

And I can't stand it anymore. I needed to escape and I did-for two days. Why not longer? Because there is no escape for much longer, anyway.

This is so frustrating. Especially with one situation:

Since my posts lately have been more political than personal (Earth Day and race/nation/something-ism), I've decided to post about something very personal. School.

My grades were all Bs (70%+) once upon a time. That once upon a time being Grade Six, First Term. Since then, they've been all... ew.

Things just got worse for me in terms of grades. I went from missing a fair chunk of school and barely pulling off b-s and c+s to staying at school, but getting 60%-70% because of unwillingness to work. Then I got put in a behavioural program for five months which was living hell and didn't give us report cards.

What can I say. Every single staff member involved with the grade eight students was at an assembly today.

All of them. Why?

To talk to us about behaviour. To say that our disrespect has to stop. To try and make us feel responsibility towards the school, and our own education. To make us go to the office with problems.

Here are a few of the rules they discussed: no violence-they went into a bit of detail, listen to teachers the first time, etc.

The dress code at our school is mostly fine. You know what I don't agree with? Sure, it's for learning, no short skirts, no tops too low, and no bra straps. What I don't like is the office providing shirts that are horrendously looked after. It's our right to wear it, and it's possible to have a bad day and forget about the code. Remind us, and we'll be OK the next day; only if it becomes a repetitive problem...

This is my late Earth Day post, because I had to make one and I got delayed. (Be forewarned. The Earth Day bit is long and at the end of an even longer entry about my weekend.

Let me tell you about my weekend:

On Friday I had a P.A. Day. Due to something last week I would rather not go into, I had a meeting with a hospital psychiatrist. It went over well; in the end, boring, and they wanted me to see them again this week-I don't want to, so the offer has been declined.

Then we met up with my Nan. Let me tell you a bit about nan, although I have before. It bears repeating that she is one of the most amazing women I know. Heck, she might be the most amazing. Nan survived something awful at age eleven, with no details. Before that, when she was eight, she moved from Germany to Canada.

So, I've been researching various diseases. Some for school, others for my writing. (I like inflicting mental illnesses on them.) I noticed something about all the ones I was likely to use, and the ones I researched:

Most of the people who got them were female. Some of the stats were only in the fifties or sixties, but a couple went as high as 87% or so. These statistics are depressing in and of themselves-and half of them are connected to depression.

Let's follow the ropes here. So, here goes: first, we deal with depression. This disease can be deadly (suicide) if it isn't treated. It could be called 'chronic sadness', but I suspect that everyone who has ever been through it knows that it's more. It's a deep gnawing at your sould; like eternal torment. There are many reasons for depression. Most of them have to do with not being able to talk about something, with losing someone or something, or being hurt in other ways.

So, me and my now-ex broke up on the second. No big deal, we've both moved on-he has a new girl friend and I like someone else. But, I was in a bit of a bitter mood and wrote this:

They say love lasts forever,
I say it can last only a day.
They say love cannot be broken,
Mine was broken anyway.
They say love never dies,
I say any immortality is a lie.
They say love is filled with joy;
Funny how love hurts me so.

Love,
How I despise it.
Love,
How it pains me.
Love,
How it brings the strong to their knees.

---------
Just felt like posting some poetry. This seems like a suitable topic, and I thought you'd like it.

So, I was thinking... Yesturday, for Easter, we went to my cousin's house. Now, one of my cousins will be twenty years old next Friday. She's in university, she's a great person, and I really enjoy her company.

At this dinner were some of her friends. They were all really cool. We watched the movie 300, talked, hung out, and generally enjoyed ourselves. It was a lot of fun.

Today, I was looking at places to submit my writing to and saw a couple all girl magazines. That got me thinking about girls in general... ones I like, and ones I don't like, and why.

But I realized something. Something I had never thought of before. Sure, I don't get along with most girls, I don't get along with the ones who buy into beauty standards and go anorexic. I don't get along with a lot of them.

Music. It surrounds us; it fills the air, it fills our hearts. We can rise to great heights of joy or plummet into sorrow while we listen. Musicians pour their lives out into the world for all to see. Their emotions are clear, their souls are visible; we can connect to them through this music.

Throughout history, music has been defined by so many women. We have amazing jazz vocalists, pop singers like Avril Lavigne and Jennifer Lopez, artists like Alicia Keys and many, many more who fill up our world of music now and long ago. Every day we listen to music; our world is musical itself.

But about forty years ago(correct me if I'm wrong) there came a new genre of music. Rock music. This was filled with guys. Male vocalists, guitarists, drummers... We have the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, amazing artists.

Today something wonderful happened. My friend is getting me a karaoke version of an amazing song to sing for the talent show. This song is by Evanescence, written and sung originally by Amy Lee.

First, a side note. I adore Amy Lee. She is beautiful. Her voice is amazing, four octave range, and she writes wonderful songs. She is her own, strong individual. She has her beliefs. She has had her issues. She is stronger for it. And now to the part this is REALLY supposed to be about.

My friend told me that Amy Lee has been standing up for Britney Spears. Apparently some person put a video up on youtube of how screwed up Britney has become. (Gee I wonder why she'd be screwed up, right?) They had bits about her car crash, and various other things.

Well, I have about half an hour here on my mom's computer. Mine died last week. But I saw something that I have to post.

Our teacher, I'll call him Mr.S for short, gave us an assignment to do for English. This assignment is to find an article in a newspaper and write an essay (he gave us a format) about said article. I was looking for an article today.

There are two that I'll mention.One is that two women in Markham were killed in the same house. The strange thing is, this was the house of a sportscaster and his wife. Well, one of the women was his wife. The other was the woman he was having an affair with. What they were doing in the same house at 3AM, I don't know. Two daughters were left behind. My heart reaches out to them. I know it hurts to lose a parent.

I've been thinking about 'pretty' and 'ugly' lately. In part, this is something I can thank my boyfriend for. The unending compliments I was showered with at first were awkward and annoying, but it's bring me to think about certain things.

I hesitate to call it 'low self esteem', because I'm confident in who I am. Those who appreciate me appreciate me for who I am, and I am a wonderful person. Perhaps negative body image is right. But it doesn't seem to fit.

I have always said that I'm ugly. This, to me, is partially because I am uncomfortably close to conventional beauty and partially because, well, my face looks awkward and strange. And I don't care.