I’m this woman, hiding a terrified child.

Well, my life has been pretty busy. I haven’t had time to do much but sleep, eat, study and work. It’s completely boring, but I guess it’s the sacrifice I make to educate myself. I’ve noticed, though, I guess that I’ve always known, that I’m not the bubbly, easy going person that I usually try to play myself off as. I’m a depressing note of seriousness that I’m sure most people can’t handle. I can see that most would probably just look past me, not wanting to see and dwell on the truths of this world. It’s hard to smile when so much has happened and continues to happen.

I was watching “Donnie Darko” the other day. My favoriet quote is when Jena Malone’s character says “I guess some people are just born with tragedy in their blood.” Life is hard, obviously, but I’ve fooling myself into believing that it would get easier. It was stupid of me really, because I’ve never really had an easy life. I look at some of these girls at school and I just get depressed thinking about their easy, ridiculous lives. I need to stop this though, as my therapist’s main points of advice for me are: 1. Stop judging others and 2. Stop thinking in absolute terms. (words like: always, never, all, none, etc.)

I’ve only been going to therapy once a month now, since I’ve started school. Now that I work Saturdays and one day less a week, I can’t really afford the cost or time. It’s a drag because I know how much it helps me. Not only does it help my mood and self-esteem but it really helps me reintegrate back into society. I think I’ve been hiding out since high school. I didn’t really want anyone to get to know me. I was tired of getting hurt by the people that I cared so deeply about. (My parents, my best friends…etc.)

I’ve been really grumpy lately. The holiday season always gets me and my birthday is the worst. This year will be 15 years since I've seen my mother.

I picked a bad fight with my boyfriend the other day and it just made me feel worse. I keep acting like I’m mad at him, but really I’m just terrified. We get our car back today. It’s been in the shop since our car accident, for over a month now, I think. I have to learn to drive now. I don’t really trust anyone to teach me so I’m paying $300 to have some instructor to teach me. Every time Brandon tries to, I freak out. And, the only time he’s every even suggested I get behind the wheel was when his truck died in the middle of the street. That was a pretty anxiety attack.

No one else has every really offered to teach me so I just decided I need to take it my own hands. I called the instructor and he sounded really nice. I haven’t told Brandon. I keep telling myself that I can’t because it’s a waste of money when it’s the holidays and we’re going to Washington, but really, I’m just terrified. I don’t want to fail in front of him. And our car’s a stick shift, so after I go through this program, I have to teach myself stick, because it’s too expensive insurance-wise for the instructor to teach. He’s picking me up next Saturday and I’m terrified. Completely terrified. I think everyone (see, there’s that all or nothing clause) would/ will laugh at me. It’s doesn’t help to know that most people my age have already had five years of driving experience.

“It takes all of me to keep my eyes off of the floor. This makes tomorrow seem harder than never before. Because it’s just more of the same, more of the same…” I feel like I’m fighting to stay awake… fighting to stay myself. Marilyn Van Derbur talks about the split of one’s self in her memoirs of incest survival and recovery. (I don’t know if one can ever fully recover…) I cherish her book now, because I know it was the initiation of my healing process, though it terrifies me to think about the splitting of my psyche. I remember having nightmares about the movie Cybil when I was really young, thinking that maybe one day, I’d turn out crazy like her.

I’m this woman, hiding a terrified child.