change

The older I get, the less I seem to understand about the world and life in general. At five my life was about being close to my loved ones, being outdoors as much as possible and making new friends. Now I guess I really dont understand people a whole lot at all. I dont understand why men rape and beat their wives who they once fell in love with, I dont understand why children are starving and cold on the streets when there are people out shopping who already own twenty pairs of pants, I dont understand why parents are putting their children on medications to make them behave when really they are just not wanting to parent. But what makes me so angry and so confused about is how people can see all of this happening everyday and turn away from it, understand it or not, its there in our faces and it is our responsibility to turn this all around while we still can, and people just dont want to.

My Mother is a good person, she loves me and has done a lot for me when I was growing up but everytime I see her there is one thing that makes me feel nervous and sick because I know that she is going to mention and point these things out. Ever since I can remember my mum has had huge issues with my physical appearance, weighing me when I go to visit, pulling my clothes, if other people are around she points out the things that she doesnt like about me to them so that I will be embarrassed, that sort of thing.

As a teenager it upset me to the point where I just wouldnt eat anything for days at a time, would obsess over my hair and clothes and how I looked even when I got up in the morning because she might see me and not like it. Now that I am out on my own, I still find that when I go and see her I have a few moments of panick before I get out of my car and walk in to see her, I wont eat or drink anything while I am there, I always wear new clothes and I always make sure my hair is in place, yet I wouldnt do this for anyone else. Im almost 21, and I am terrified of my own mother. She never hit me or was horrible to me, she just looks at me like she wishes I was somebody else, and it breaks my heart.

"Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth." -Picasso

I take a huge leap off a nearby cliff and float back down to earth on the bat-like wings of my massive black cape. And I feel smug for figuring out how to land without breaking my nose the second time around.

Through an excess of roleplaying, cookies, expensive tea and anime`, I am finally beginning to feel halfway conscious again. And I am writing this blog entry in a flurry as I put off the flabbergasting amount of housework that must be done before my now ex-fiance` arrives to stay the week... most likely the last occation I will ever see him face-to-face.

“The essence of independence has been to think and act according to standards from within, not without.” - Aleister Crowley

The other day, I received a communiqué via MySpace from an old friend, who greeted me, “Mistress of Darkness, I have found you!” T’was pleasing.

On a less self-indulgent note…

August 14th, I am traveling to my home country, Norway, with my mother. We will be staying in Trondheim, the city of my childhood, for a blissful two weeks. At the conclusion of this stay, I was scheduled to move in with my romantic partner in *******, which is halfway across the country from where I am now. I have to admit, the idea of the move had me rather weighed down and frazzled. Whilst very confident in my own intelligence, I cannot say the same for my experience, which is severely lacking in the “real-world” [synonym: colony-of-blood-sucking-vampires]. I have never held down a job, I do not have a license, I have never done taxes, and so on and so forth.

Basically, by moving in with my partner at that distance and at that time, I would be surrendering my entire well-being to his hands.