new year

Today marks the tenth year since he started hurting me. Today, is the first new year day, in ten years, where I have not been raped on the day. The first day of the last nine years before this one, started with abuse. But not this one. I didn't do anything special for new years, I just worked at the bar untill three this morning, but it was special to me anyway. Those other years I guess I just expected it to happen, and I expected the rest of the year to follow that pattern, just as it always did. When I was in my early teens I didn't really have any way of getting away from him on that day, but as I got older my attending the parties with my family, where he would be, was out of fear for the other girls there, my sister, my cousins, my friends, I didnt want them to be seeing the new year in the way I did, so I just went. I also started drinking, hoping that I wouldn't remember it, but all the while making myself more vulnerable.

I haven't been around a whole lot lately and for that I apologize. I have been reading and loving everyone's entries and finding strength, joy and inspiration in them that I haven't been able to find in my own writing.

I have been trying to write an entry for several weeks now and haven't been able to get past a couple of coherent structured paragraphs. So after many frustrating hours I decided, f$@# structure, I'm just going to let everyone into my head for a little while.

New Year's is my favorite holiday. I love knowing that there is a whole new year for me to fill with the products of last year's dreams. New Year's allows me to be optimistic even when I'm at my lowest. The past year and a half has been the hardest I've ever lived through, New Year's allows me to believe that things are going to get better.

As the new year gets closer I have found myself becoming nervous about what next year is going to be like for me. In a way, I am excited because I know that next year there is not going to be abuse waiting for me around every corner, because finally, he is gone. But I don't want to allow myself to be too hopeful for next year, not after this one. This year has been painfully long and hard, and I have made a lot of changes in my life, many for the good. But yet, here I am with a brand new year just a couple of days away, and I cant even let myself look forward to it.

I keep being told that each day after the abuse is supposed to get easier, but each day I wake up feeling as though maybe I should be hurt that day because I woke up late, or because I spilt coffee, just small, stupid things that I do, I don't know how to deal with those. I am not getting hurt or yelled at anymore for those, so why do I feel like I almost need that? Everyday is so confusing. Conversations with other people are just a blur where I go around and around in circles about the same things, the same issues, talking about everything we have discussed a thousand times because I don't know what else to talk about without bursting into tears. I know the new year wont take that away, I know it is also silly to wish for such a thing, but I really really do.