victim blaming

This morning I awoke to a Newspaper story that really made me want to cry with relief, as it is something that really is ahuge deal for New Zealand, and we are in desperate need of. The Law Commission of New Zealand have finally recognised that rape trials in this country are so extremly unfair and taxing on survivors that many women dont bother reporting, or following through with reports, I am one of them. The law commission has stated that how rape trials are carried out in this country are "brutalising and distressing victims, and the system must be overhauled".

I have been to counselling on and off for a while now, to more than one counsellor, all of whom have explained to me that if I was to go to trial, the process is often not worth it and moving on is the best step. So often the male sex offenders are found not guilty, especially in my case when it is a wealthy man, and the survivor comes out worse off than before. This has been a decision that has haunted me since the day I chose to make it, and to se it written on the front page that many of the senior lawyers in our country wouldnt advise women who have been raped to go to trial because of the harsh process they would have to endure and the outcome is likely to be against them, almost made me weep.

I started working at a domestic violence shelter this week. I have a huge manual that I have to read and something I read today really stuck out: We shouldn't be asking why women stay in abusive relationships. Instead, we should be asking why men are abusive in the first place.

The fact that I had to have it spelled out for me tells me that blaming the victim is pretty damn common in our society. Obviously it's not the survivor's fault she was abused in the first place -- it's her abuser's. Abusing another person is always a choice and there's no one to blame for that but the person making that choice.